I don’t really discourage Ryan when it comes to princess culture. If anything, like any mother, I harness it to my advantage, like when she began refusing to wear underwear (even under skirts). “Oh,” I said, feigning grave disappointment. “Then I guess you don’t want these with Elsa on them.”
She’s been wearing underwear ever since.
We saw princesses at Disney World, we have Frozen jammies and sleeping bags and dolls and costumes and costumes for dolls.
What I’m trying to say is that I’m not anti-princess. Or at least I thought I wasn’t, until Ryan brought home a book called, “Once Upon a Castle.”
She purchased this book from the school book fair with money I gave her, so I can only blame myself. And I could initially see why she liked it, with its pictures of castles and pop-up stories.
And then I read it.
It’s supposed to be a sort of breathless and-then-what-happened treatment of Cinderella, Ariel and Aurora, beginning the day after they agreed to marry their respective princes. Okay. So they…redecorated the castle? Pushed universal healthcare? Encouraged kids to eat healthy?
No. Cinderella talks about all of the work that went into creating her “dream wedding dress.” Ariel describes asking Chef Louis to make the “most exquisite cake in all the land.” Aurora broods that she’s not princess material—that is to say, not good enough for Prince Philip.
It’s like the Real Housewives meets Say Yes to the Dress meets Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
It is a total piece of crap that cost me $15.99.
This is the review on Amazon:
I’d give it away, but this book should not be foisted upon an unsuspecting girl, so it’s going in the garbage, per the reviewer’s excellent suggestion.
I'm not sure what offends me more, the vapid content or the unrealistic expectations it sets up. Marriage is work. The dress is the least of it. And for God's sake, girls, find something to do with your time besides think about how dreamy your wedding day was. Gah! In the garbage with you, foul book!
But! Not before I give these princesses some things to really think about.
So. Here is my reimagined book, Once Upon a Castle. Read it to your own special princess.
Cinderella’s Dream Castle
Before (original):
Cinderella loves to look at the portrait from her wedding day. It reminds her of all the planning to make the day so special. Cinderella’s story is about following tradition and her heart…
Prince Charming and Cinderella have fallen in love and are going to be married!
The king loves Cinderella and wants her to look beautiful on her wedding day. Perhaps she can wera the very same dress the Queen wore when they wed?
But when Cinderella tries on the Queen’s gown and necklace, she realizes that they are too fancy for her.
Cinderella remembers the beautiful necklace her mother gave her when she was a little girl.
The next stop is the Royal Jeweler. (!) She brings the two special necklaces to him. He knows just what to do!
The king is so pleased when he sees Cinderella in her new dress and necklace. “You look perfect,” he tells her.
Cinderella has honored her mother and her new family when she says, “I do” to her prince. The end.
Jesus H. Christ, this book is for little girls! Do they really need a lesson in jewels? Or wedding dress shopping? And if we’re going to go down that road, rather than giving advice about picking the perfect gown, how about a little straight talk about life?
After (the version for the modern princess):
After the wedding, I was kind of bored. I mean, Charming was away a lot, and I had long stretches of the day that at one point in my life I would have filled with cooking and cleaning and mending and washing. But since Charming had people to do all of those things, I found myself with nothing to do.
My stepmother suggested that I have a baby, which would serve the dual purpose—at least according to her—of cementing my future and give me a way to spend the day. But that seemed like a bad reason to have a baby, and anyway my stepmother is kind of a bitch.
My fairy godmother rescued me once more, this time handing me a Starbucks and a prep book for the LSAT. Fast forward 10 years. I graduated from law school at the top of my class and now I spend my days providing free legal counsel to underserved populations, especially domestic workers, the majority of whom are women and regularly get screwed over by their rich, powerful employers.
Charming is very supportive, though we are no longer married to each other. He and his partner Steve opened a successful shoe store last year and are hoping to adopt a baby.
Ariel’s Dream Castle
Before:
I knew I wanted to marry Eric from the moment I saw him and my dream came true. But I had so much to learn about planning a human wedding!
I was worried about learning how to dance with legs, so Grimsby taought me how to waltz.
Carlotta designed the most beautiful wedding gown for me. It was easier to walk in than I thought!
I visited Chef Louis to ask about the menu and the cake. He promised to make the most delicious and exquisite wedding cake in all the land—and sea!
I still worrieded that my family wouldn’t be able to come to the wedding.
But Eric had already thought of that. “We’ll be married on the royal ship at sea,” he told me.
My father agreed to give me away, and my sisters agreed to be my bridesmaids. They all had gifts for me, something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue.
The wedding ceremony went by so quickly…but I will always remember saying “I do!” and our first kiss as a married couple.
What the what? Why? AARRRRGH. I can’t even.
Here’s the new version:
Living with Prince Eric was fine for a while, and then gradually our relationship began to lose its luster, and Eric began to reveal his true nature.
At first it was little things, like Eric teasing me about not knowing how to cook. I’m like, sorry—we don’t cook under the damn sea, and you have a chef so what are you even talking about? One particularly awful fight resulted when he refused to be my partner in a castle-wide three legged race because he said I lack coordination. When I reminded him that I used to be a fish, he told me that he was sick of me always bringing that up.
But the last straw was when he told me that he was tired of me “always trying to talk to him” and that he wished I’d lose my voice again. I moved out of his castle after that.
I was so nervous to be out on my own for the first time, but I didn’t want to go back to live with my father, either.
So I started taking some classes at a local college, eventually earning a Masters in Social Work. Now I run a support group for transitioning merpeople, so that others who feel like a fish out of water can walk among the humans and get the help they need, such as support groups and housing and not fall prey to some jerk who is only into you because he’s “mer-curious.”
I heard that Eric eventually married again. Let’s hope that this time, in addition to kissing the girl, he respects her, too. I won’t hold my breath.
Aurora’s Dream Castle
Before:
On the day of Aurora’s sixteenth birthday, she met Phillip in the forest glen. They sang and danced and fell in lo—oh just forget it! She goes on to nurse feelings of inadequacy while dressed head to toe in sequins. Pull it together, girl.
Disney, you can just have my version for free.
After:
There was a moment where I was sitting at the table and staring at the multiple forks adorning each setting, anxious that I would use the wrong fork for the escargot and the salad or whatever. Even though I’m an according-to-Hoyle princess, I never learned any of that stuff. I spent most of my life in a coma.
I stared at those forks and tears began to prick the corners of my eyes and for about 30 seconds I felt like I was inadequate, unqualified, unworthy of all of this.
And then it hit me. This was stupid. Philip and I like to eat pizza on paper plates. What were we doing? Why was I letting the arbritrary expectations of society determine my self-worth? The elaborate feast, the wedding dress that would feed five families for a year. It was beating me up psychologically and it didn’t make sense for the kingdom.
My mother-in-law was horrified, but Philip and I decided that not only did we not need some elaborate ceremony, but that we didn’t even need to get married. And instead of living in the castle, I used my recently acquired design degree to create one of those super-tiny, 88 square foot houses.
We use rainwater to bathe and compost our pizza crusts and give the money budgeted every year for Royal Feasts and Fetes to charities. There’s one I like where this former mermaid provides guidance and shelter for other former merpeople.
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