punchdrunkmom

Here we are again, in all the old familiar places

Why, hello! Another Friday is upon us. Honestly, next time we do this, I would just skip the Monday holiday. Or extend it to Memorial Week with no remote learning or work in general. No one had any idea what day it was this week. I mean, worse than usual even. Besides—someone asked me what I was doing or the holiday, and I was like, Madam, what the fuck are you even talking about?

One pretty big thing that happened is that I went back to work yesterday. The store is opening back up on June 1, so we went in to fix the space up in a socially distant manner. Oh, you guys. I know I’ve been pushing the masks in this space, and I will continue to use them even if they are awkward and feel weird. But wearing a mask for 8 hours suuuuuuuuuucks. It’s hot, and you’re just rebreathing your own air. I switched purses this morning, and my mints didn’t make it into the new bag, so after I ate tacos for lunch, I put my mask back on and smelled carnitas the rest of the day. It could have been worse. There was the time I wore the mask to the grocery store and hadn’t brushed my teeth.

I don’t mean to complain. At least I can breathe.

God damn.

So much terrible shit happened this week.

We will do a small amount of escaping, and then a bit of work. Here we go.

1.) So my daughter’s overnight camp got cancelled, which sucks, regardless that it was the right thing for them to do. I hated to tell her the news, but as a child of 2020, she was expecting it. I asked her if she would like to go camping with me over the summer, which sounds like an excellent way to social distance, if a challenging project considering a.) Scott does not camp b.) Neither does Kai c.) I’ve never camped where I was in charge of the camping. But Facebook seems to have come to the rescue, having overheard this conversation and sending camping-related items into my feed. And thank goodness, because we are for sure going to need a pair of these portable folding hammocks! Then I started seeing ads to win a Sprinter van that’s been customized like a tiny camper! OMG, it’s the coolest thing. I have no place to park it and would use it like once a year, but I’m super into it. In fact, maybe if I win it, I’ll sell my minivan and drive around in my tiny house, boiling hot water on the custom-built stove, just looking for a place to deploy my hammock. Also, check out this kickass leopard print tent!

2.) No one:

     Me: Want to see some pictures of a teenaged Melanie Griffith playing with her grandmother’s full grown lion named Neil?

3.) Speaking of animals, if you haven’t seen this video of the rocket scientist who made a Ninja Warrior course for the squirrels in his backyard, you need to. The entire family was riveted, even Kai, who, at 13, is too cool to be riveted by anything his mother has to show him.

4.) I bought this light for my zoom calls, because I always have to go to the darkest realms of the house for zooming to avoid the children screaming at the Roblox or the Minecraft or just into the void.

I mean, okay. Every little bit helps.

5.) So…you can see I’m a white woman. That’s not a shock. I do season my chicken breasts, but one cannot escape the fact that I am, in fact, white, and white people are…problematic. I don’t use this space often to get all that serious about things besides advocating for kids with special needs, but I also have a platform and the responsibility to use it. I’m scared and anxious because I want to be an ally and I don’t want to fuck it up. But I watched the video Christian Cooper made, and am following the George Floyd story. I have wanted to respond to anguished posts from friends of color, but I do not know what to say. Like I said, I don't want to fuck it up. Probably that statement is itself a fuckup. I clearly have things to learn and work to do. This helps.

Read it.

And here are some anti-racism resources for white people.

We have some work to do, even if you think you don’t. So let’s get after it.

I’m sorry. This is awful. I’m listening.

XOXO
-PDM

 

 

Hello, Friday, my old friend—I’m here to link with you again

I’m headed back to work at the end of next week, and I’m feeling some feelings. It's sort of like coming back from vacation. I don’t know if you do this, but whenever I am about to be done with a vacation, I grieve a little bit. Sometimes a lot. Maybe I spent the last few days sleeping as late as I want or spending good time with my kids who are growing up oh, so fast. Or maybe I am dreading turning back into a taught, frazzled husk of a woman whose every second is accounted for from the moment she wakes up in the morning until she falls exhausted into bed, and whose only salvation will be the sweet release of death.

Shit. Sorry. What were we talking about? Oh, yes, vacation!

I do a little bargaining with myself on every vacation I take, like I’ll go back home, but I’m going to still be in vacation mode. I’ll carve out more time for myself or learn to make that curry dish I couldn’t get enough of or try to surf on Lake Michigan.

My results are decidedly mixed.

Last week, however, I pulled an old piece of paper out of my wallet that I’ve been carrying around for quite a while. It’s a recipe for an amazing pineapple mezcal drink Scott and I couldn’t get enough of when we were in Honolulu a couple of years ago. I couldn’t remember the name of it, so I googled the menu at Nobu. Turns out it’s called the Pineapple Mezcal. I’ll confess to being a little disappointed at such a pedestrian and obvious name for such a great cocktail. But after sitting here for a few minutes, I guess I don’t really have any better ideas. Feel free to float them.

A Pineapple Mexcal, pictured next to the tropical scented candle
that I’ve had for a year and finally lit the other night.

Here's the recipe. Be warned that Green Chartreuse is $70 and you only need a single bar spoon of it, a truly frivolous endeavor. We'll just have to find other ways to use it.

1.5oz Mezcal
.25 Pineapple Puree
.25 Yuzu (we used lime juice)
.25 Simple Syrup
Pinch of Cilantro
Spoon of Roasted Pineapple
1 Barspoon of Green Chartreuse.

Step 1: Have Scott mix it up and serve it to you. There is no step 2.

1.) It was with this mindset that I idly clicked on this story about the drink recipes we’re googling during quarantine. It was fascinating. Alaska is drinking hurricanes, Nevadans are drinking grasshoppers. So many of you are out there doing Kamikaze shots! What? I’m very concerned that folks in the Carolinas and Louisiana are going to get diabetes. And Missouri! You guys had to google the recipe for a gin and tonic? Fun fact! It’s gin and tonic. Be better, Missouri.

I googled the recipe for my other favorite vacation drink, the When Doves Cry. It’s also Mezcal based, so you can sense a theme here. But, while I was googling, I came across this entire list of Prince-themed cocktails for you to dig if you will, as well as an alternate recipe for a pineapple mezcal drink that I’m only sharing here because I want to beat this bartender with his own old-timey hipster ice mallet. I’m so sick of ironic waxed mustaches. I can’t even with your hipster bullshit any more, sir!

2.) Quarantine happened right around the time that Better Call Saul ended it’s fifth season. Oh, how I love that show! In its way, it's better than Breaking Bad, which is a bold statement for me to make. The funny thing is that I thought this was the final season, and it turns out I was completely wrong, so there’s something we can all look forward to. I was thinking that I might write something about our collective feelings about Kim Wexler vs. Skyler White, but it turns out that I don’t need to, because the internet exists. I was completely taken aback years ago during the Breaking Bad run when I discovered that fans hated Skyler. Like, excuse me for not wanting my husband to be a drug-dealing murderer. Walter White was a selfish asshole who destroyed everyone around him, but sure, go ahead and hate Skyler. But I digress. This is all part of a larger pattern of sexism and misogyny. How else to explain hating women for standing up to difficult men? I love Kim Wexler and her amazing ponytail, but I feel slightly guilty about that, too, because a girl like Kim Wexler doesn’t actually exist. Except, of course, in the minds of men.

Oh, and please enjoy this takedown of a popular and upbeat musical based on a story of mass rape!

3.) Speaking of gender and entertainment, Scott turned on the utterly charming, informative and fascinating The Story of Soaps the other day. I definitely watched General Hospital during the Duke and Anna years, and can honestly say I arranged my college coursework around All My Children. The Story of Soaps makes such an interesting point about how the daytime soaps got away with so many timely, racy and topical storylines because, since it was “women’s television,” the top brass wasn’t really watching. But we wouldn't have have Breaking Bad with out One Life to Live. The soap opera as feminist and subversive. Who knew?

And as long as we’re on the topic of television, please enjoy this ad for Dyke and Fats. Dear Lord, make this a real show, amen.

4.) Buy a cool mask.

5.) Did you know that this week was the 40th anniversary of the Mt. St. Helens eruption? I was 8 at the time, and remember it fairly vividly. My aunt lives about 60 miles away, so this was sort of a family emergency. Plus, every GenX kid can relate to the remote, almost charming danger of things like volcanos and quicksand due to their outsized presence popular culture when we were kids. I treasured my Wyler’s jar of actual Mt. St. Helens ash that my aunt sent me that has disappeared from my possession in the intervening years. Anyhow, this led down an internet rabbit hole at the bottom of which was Pompeii! The British museum has an 88-minute movie about Pompeii that I plan to watch over the weekend. I it found after reading an article comparing the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius to the COVID-19 pandemic.

And thus, we have come full circle.

Have a lovely weekend, my friends. Be kind to yourself.

Five links with which to pass a rainy Friday

Wow! Happy Friday, y’all. The weeks just keep coming, don’t they?

How did you spend your 147th week as a shut-in? Did you learn another language? No? Shocker!

I’m not 100% sure what I did this week. Seriously. The days passed and here I am. I can say that I’ve been growing seedlings, though. It's pretty easy and it feels like doing something wholesome and important. So, in August, when we’re back on lockdown because of all the rich middle-aged white ladies that stormed the salons with guns because they needed to get their roots did, I will at least have some vegetables to look forward to.

Also! Twice this week I, like, made stuff! Pancakes on Tuesday, muffins on Thursday. I’m not much of a maker or a baker, mostly because I don’t really want to eat what I bake. I would rather use my calories for say, margaritas or Sour Cream and Onion Pringles. Yet I somehow had all the ingredients to make cinnamon muffins with Ryan. This seemed like Good Mom Behavior(TM) and it made the house smell good. I put cake mix on the grocery list for next week’s project, along with green chartreuse liqueur for an unrelated project not involving Ryan at all. I’ll let you know how it goes.

And without further ado, here are is your linkage. May you find that you’ve passed an hour in peaceful tranquility without anyone suggesting you drink bleach.

1.) I had this super crazy idea that I wanted to get something for my home that would fill the tremendous void of…help me find the words….The Tremendous Void, and I found a little inspiration. I texted my friend Quincy about it:

Me: I think I need an inflatable hot tub.
Quincy: I think I need an inflatable hot tub. Fixed it for you.

With pools closed and nothing else to do, margaritas in THE HOT TUB IN YOUR BACKYARD seems like it might be the way to go. And if you only use it for this particular summer and throw it away at the first frost, with all the money you saved on camp and pool memberships, you’d definitely still come out ahead.

2.) Speaking of voids, do you want to read something on the Internet that’s not about COVID-19? I assure you that you do! I found a couple of things.

First, this charming and breathless review of a book about eels. Eels! It kind of makes me want to read the book, but also, eels? I’m sort of eel-curious but it’s also possible that this review is all I’ll ever need vis-a-vis eels.

Unrelated, Riot Fest had a loving tribute to Josie and the Pussycats, a fictitious band that actually had some real band cred and helped with the “girls to the front” movement of the late 90s and the aughts. The article includes a playlist of Josie-adjacent, lady-driven power-pop, with nary an eel in sight.

I also took a deep dive back into eel territory, metaphorically speaking, regarding a real-life Lord of the Flies scenario, where the shipwrecked boys cooperated peacefully and ended up being lifelong friends and workmates. Turns out there’s nothing that says we have to take each other down. Goulding, it seems, sold us on a lie that we are acting out in real time at this very second. Thanks for that, sir.

3.) Years ago, I made a fundamental error of not having an e-mail address for the sole purpose of giving to any company I don’t want to hear from a thousand times a day. Who knew that the place I ordered rug from from one time six years ago would e-mail me daily? I mean, what kind of outsized presence do they think they have in my life? How many rugs do they think I need? I’m constantly scrolling through all the marketing e-mails to get to the ones from actual people I need to correspond with.  But every now and then I get hit with something that I don’t know I want until I see it, and this week it was an online Ramen cooking class. For less than $100, I got ingredients to make ramen for two, a kit to make 4 sake bombs and a lesson from a Michelin star chef. Not only that, but my reservation is for Father’s Day weekend! Here you go, Baby.

4.) Get a new Zoom background.

5.) If you haven’t read Devil in the White City, you really should. That story has everything, including and especially the elaborate murder mansion of the diabolical serial killer H.H. Holmes. You know. If you’re into such things. Adam Selzer of Mysterious Chicago is doing a virtual series on the good doctor, with a talk and a virtual tour. The mansion was gutted in a fire and is now the location of the Englewood Post Office, and if that’s not a reason to go to Englewood to buy stamps, I don’t know what is. If you want even more, check out the Last Podcast on the Left’s 3-part series on H.H. Holmes, which is the funniest and least appropriate goddamn thing you’ll ever listen to in your life.

Have a good weekend, everyone. And wear a damn mask.

Let's pass this pandemic together with a five-link-Friday!

Well hello! How are you doing during this dystopian nightmare? I’m…you know. Fine.

I’ve been furloughed from my job. Well, all my jobs, actually. This is the first time I’ve been this idle in I don’t know how long. Actually I do. I was unemployed for 6 months or so after the dotcom bust in 2001. It feels eerily similar to that time. The world was grim in the aftermath of 9/11. I took baths in the middle of the day and felt anxious about my future. The biggest difference between now and then is that I have children and the world is about six million times grimmer. Also: murder hornets!

People still say, “How are you?” when they see you on zoom or call you, and it’s an awkward silence as we ponder what that question even means right now. Everything is weird. Good weird, like you can sleep until literally whenever. And bad weird because, you know. Human misery and existential dread, but also (and more practically) because I feel like I haven’t done anything. Like all those things I’ve been meaning to do, I still haven’t done them. This, of course, makes me feel anxious and guilty, like I’m frittering away an opportunity.

Maybe you feel the same. Or maybe you’ve knit ten sweaters and digitized your photographs and painted your garden gnomes. But, if you’re like me and feeling sidelined and slightly bored despite a long list of things you could be doing that don’t interest you, I would like to offer up one of my favorite things, a list of links!

Here are five things that are sustaining me this week. Enjoy.

1.) FabFitFun. This surprise beauty product subscription box is absolutely as silly and frivolous as you think it’s going to be, yet it was exactly what I needed this week. I’m not really a product whore. I tend to find one thing that works and stick with it. It’s probably why I’ve been in exactly three serious relationships and married two of them (though not at the same time).  

Anyhoo, I was in the mood to buy things but I had no idea what to buy. I'm not going anywhere or doing anything. So I signed up for the spring box, which arrived this week. It was in a pretty floral cardboard container, wrapped in tissue and floating on some festive bits of paper strips. It included a hair mask, a foot mask, a collagen infused moisturizer, a rose-gold brush, a weird rainbow lip gloss, hand cream and a robe.

I used the hair mask yesterday. It’s just some Moroccan oil that you spritz into wet hair. Later, as I was sitting on the couch bingeing Mad Men, I turned my head and caught a whiff of my hair. You guys, it smells amazing! I couldn’t stop smelling it. I made Scott smell it, too, and he agreed with me. Later, before bed, I applied the foot mask, which also smells heavenly. Plus I woke up with softer feet!

In a world where I have endless time to apply lotions and lounge in robes, yet eschew make-up and pants with buttons, this is the perfect little indulgence. I felt elevated, like I’d done a few things to pamper myself that I wouldn’t normally bother do, and it was only $39.

2.) Hey, hookers! Introducing Dixie Longate, y’all. My boss at the gym shared Dixie's Cinco de Mayo Facebook Live and I was dying. I did a little digging and she does a live show Tupperware party. Apparently it started on a dare in 2004 for drag performer Kris Anderson, who has since become the number 1 Tupperware sales representative in the US and Canada. This makes me love both Dixie and Tupperware even more, and will definitely end with me 1.) buying tickets to her show if we ever get to do such things again and 2.) buying Tupperware. Who knew the way to make Tupperware great again was drag? And what took us so long to realize it?

Follow her on Facebook and catch her live-streamed happy hours. Just like all the best things in life, they are both wholesome and dirty. “It’s like Jesus woke up and came in my mouth,” she says after taking a sip of her limoncello margarita, and I was dead right then and there.

3.) J Crew, you guys. I work in retail, so this is relevant to me, but it’s probably relevant to you, too, if you ever wanted to dress like you might go sailing in the boat you didn't own with the rich-ass friends you didn't have.

I don’t know what the retail landscape will look like in a month or two months or a year, but it’s interesting to take a deep dive into some iconic brands and the fickle tastes of the American buying public. This article is one of my favorite kind—a warren of links and directions you can take from here, including old J Crew catalog covers, provenance of classics they invented that you probably have in your closet right this second, and the triumph-to-tragedy career arc of creative director Jenna Lions, with a little Michelle Obama mixed in to keep it real.

4.) Pandemic needlepoint! I can’t decide which one I want. This one is making a great case for itself:

I will probably never actually do this project, but it will be there for the next pandemic. In today’s climate, you can probably put any year on it and be like, “well, yep.”

5.) Lastly, I was struggling mightily with one very serious problem at the beginning of this whole shelter-in-place thing: the quarantine bra. So here’s the thing. I usually wear lace bralettes, but of late my outfits are more of a long-term, 36-hour strategy than a daily switcheroo, and the lace bralettes are kind of itchy to sleep in, yet I don’t always feel like making the effort to take them off. I actually tried a regular bra (like the kind with hooks in the back), but when I put it on it felt like a horrible idea—constricting and inflexible. I had to give that a hard pass.

So I did some internet sleuthing to find something that felt like nothing but would help me retain my dignity should the UPS guy show up with something I bought after drinking too much wine, and came up with this:

It’s soft and stretchy, absolutely comfortable to sleep in if you're too lazy to take it off. In fact, I bought a few more and would have bought even more but they only have two colors and I have too much need for variety.

I will tell you that the last thing in the world I’d be doing during the apocalypse is trying to figure out the right bra, but I think a lot of us are surprised by what has become important to us in the last few weeks. (If anyone has any other quarantine bra suggestions, please post them in the comments!)

Wow, you guys! Look at that! I did something!

And right in time for Dixie’s happy hour.